RE: An Ideal World

I've made a huge mistake.

I think that I gave the wrong impression with my last post. I just needed some way to express my frustrations and worries and desires (I had a smoothie for lunch, by the way,) and I thought my blog would be a good outlet for that. 

I've had a lot of significant changes in my life over the past year. Health related issues, an out-of-my-comfort-zone move to D.C., graduating from college, and several other changes. I've mentioned some of these things in my blog posts before, but I don't always talk about the fears and worries that I have regarding these topics. I put on my brave girl face and keep those fears and worries out of the public eye. 

But I don't want to do that anymore. I was talking to my friend about this topic, and she told me to watch this video about vulnerability:

I want to get to the point where I can be okay with my own vulnerabilities. And that's what I was trying to do with my last post. I have some serious concerns and worries sometimes that other people my age don't even really think about. (For example, how many 22 year olds in your life throw around the words "thyroglobulin" and "papillary carcinoma" and discuss their Synthroid level like it's some badge of honor.) But I'm also so happy! I'm alive, I'm healthy and strong (for the most part,) I have the greatest family and friends anyone could ask for, and I get to spend all day in my pajamas looking at recipes on Pinterest. Life is beautiful, but every rose has its thorn. 

By the way, I accepted my ideal job offer yesterday with a great company out here in Utah. Thank you for all your prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes on my behalf. 

An Ideal World

I've had a lot on my mind recently: 

• I just graduated from college, which is terrifying.
• I'm unemployed, which is probably why being a graduate seems so terrifying.
• It's been about a year since my cancer diagnosis.
• It's going to be another five months before I find out if I need another round of radiation treatment or if I just need to keep waiting it out.
• Unemployment is fun for a couple of weeks, but it gets tiring.
• I've been living out of a suitcase for the last month, because I don't have my own residence yet, because I don't have a job. 
• What am I going to eat for lunch?
• How am I going to get to Arizona for my sister's wedding next month? (I'm contemplating walking. It's not that far from Provo to Mesa, right?)
• Why does it seem like some people have everything going for them? They're attractive and smart, they take amazing (read: expensive) vacations, they get good jobs without even trying, and whatever else perfect people have. 
• I'm broke. 

There's lots of other worries and nonsense floating around in my brain, but if I continue, I'm just going to get bitter or emotional or angry or something. So, for now, I'm just going to focus on the most immediate problem on that list: lunch.

Dear Friends

I've made no effort to maintain this blog during my time here in Washington. It's just not super high on my priority list to keep up with two blogs, both about my personal life. So if you want to know about my goings-on, check out my DC blog:

dcadventuretime.wordpress.com

Well That Went Fast

I've been keeping a blog this semester for my Humanities of Latin America class. We have to post every week about something that we've read or watched or looked at that week. It was a great experience to write in an academic voice on a blog, something that I'm definitely not used to. If you're interested in Latin America or my thoughts or my thoughts about Latin America (or if you're really just that bored,) you can check it out here. Shameless self-promotions aside, I just wanted to excuse myself for not keeping up to date about my life. It's just that something has been different this semester than the previous three years I've been at BYU: I've had a life. I actually go out with people and we do stuff. So that's what I've been doing instead of updating my blog about a non-existing life. I've actually been living. It's pretty fun, and it's a shame I didn't discover it sooner. There's so much that I wish I had done while living in Provo that I just won't have the opportunity to do anymore. I know you're saying, "But don't you still have another semester before you graduate?" Technically my friends, yes, yes I do. But I'm doing an internship in Washington, D.C. from January through April, so I essentially only have two weeks left in Utah. (My internship is with the U.S. Capitol Historical Society and I'm really excited to start!) Life is getting kind of scary because I'm starting to make real decisions that will significantly affect my future. It's exciting and wonderful and terrifying. But for now, before I really have to make any of these decisions, I'm just going to enjoy the people I'm with. Because to me, that's what matters most.

Change is Good, Right?

So, although I don't mind sharing some details of my life on this blog, I'm hesitant to become overly personal. For this reason, it's been difficult to think of something to write about over the last few months. But today I feel so grateful for the series of events that's happened that I just can't keep it to myself. So, around my twenty-first birthday, I decided I needed to serve a mission for my church. In order to serve, there is an application process, and part of this process is a physical exam because missions are physically demanding. Although I was somewhat concerned about this physical (you may recall that this was around the same time I had mono,) I went into it with relative optimism. I came out of the exam not with the approval to serve as I had hoped, but with an urging to seek further medical attention. So, that afternoon, I made a tear-filled and anxious journey back home with my mom. From April to August, I spent some quality time at the hospital, multiple doctors' offices, and recovering at home. (Like I said, I'm hesitant to share too many details, so if you're curious about the health problem I'm unwilling to name, just ask.) With this medical condition, I became ineligible to serve a mission, at least until my health stabilizes a bit. And that leads me to where I am now: in Provo, resuming my studies at Brigham Young University. I didn't want to return this semester nor was I really prepared to return. But here I am. And I'm already overwhelmed with school, finding good doctors out here, getting healthy, trying to find time for a social life, and possibly adding a job into the mix. But somehow I know that everything is going to be all right.

A Transparent Eyeball?

"Life only avails, not the having lived. Power ceases in the instant of repose; it resides in the moment of transition from a past to a new state... This one fact the world hates, that the soul becomes." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm trying to live my life the best as I can. I'm making the most of every single day. Well, I'm working on making the most of every day. I'm trying to transition to a new state, like Emerson suggests. I want to be better tomorrow than I am today. I want to turn my weaknesses into strengths. I like who I am. A friend of mine recently told me that no-one should apologize for who they are. I agree with that, sort of. I know that I am who I am. But I also believe that I can and should change and get better so that I will one day be the best version of myself that I can be. I don't need to apologize for who I am, but I do need to realize that I can be a better me. Even if that just means smiling at someone in the store or holding the door open for someone or something else equally as small, I still feel like I become better, happier. And I suppose I just don't understand why someone would not want to be better and happier than they currently are. Life isn't perfect, folks. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. It's messy and complicated and challenging. But that's okay. Life is a refining process. I'm grateful for the chances I have every day of my life to become better, stronger than I once was. Oh, the thinks you can think (when you really should be studying for finals.)

I know this post is long; forgive me. But it's just what I'm thinking about at the close of a very challenging but very strengthening semester. Life is good, my friends. Don't forget.

Recently...

1. I've made a lot of big decisions regarding my "Five Year Plan." I'll let you know more details as time goes on.
2. I cut off about a foot of hair and donated it to Locks of Love. For those of you who haven't seen me in a while and are thinking something along the lines of "Did she even have twelve inches to chop off?" the answer is yes, yes I did. I've been growing my hair out for a while, so now it goes to about the middle of my neck. It's pretty cute and fun, and the only thing I miss is being able to just pull it back into a ponytail when it's annoying me. But it was time for a change.
3. The semester is almost over! School has been okay to me, and my grades are mostly high, which is splendid. And I just got extensions for two research papers, so that's been a major burden lifted off my shoulders (for now.)
4. But the reason I got an extension (well, this reason only applies to one of the papers. The other one the teacher just wanted to give us more time...) is because I have mono! You know, that illness that I like to joke and tease people about. Well, karma sucks. And so does mono.